I turned 23 this past August. For some reason that seems to surprise many people. The significance of age has never been something I've held much stock in (perhaps because I am just 23). I don't really correlate it with specific maturity levels, life circumstances or general peer personality. I am simply living through whatever situation I'm in right now. However, I think I have robbed myself a bit of the freedom to "search myself," as is typical for the twenty-something.
I made it my goal to finish college in an efficient three years in order to quickly transition into a stable career with a sure sense that I was being a responsible steward of the opportunities God was giving me in work, living and relationships. Therefore, there simply wasn't time for the cross-country road trip or backpacking through Europe or focusing on hobbies that, while I loved, hadn't had space in my busy schedule since high school. In truth, I thrived on the fast pace, the feeling of accomplishment as I found a place in the nonprofit world, and having some control of my life. Unfortunately, key pieces of my heart got left behind in the process.
This year, God has been taking me on the difficult journey of recognizing some of my deepest desires and needs, and showing me where I need to create boundaries. It has been easy to say "yes" to helping people out, working extra hours, giving another donation, and volunteering, even for things I didn't have time or even great passion for. It has been hard saying "yes" to taking quality time to be alone, taking a vacation, returning to music and dance, and really listening to my heart.
My heart often seems like a stranger. It never feels like enough, it reminds me of my guilt, shame and fear, and wants to take me places that are frightening and unknown - and yet are where I most desire to go. Thankfully, God knows that my heart holds so much more and has been working in my life to help me know that, too.
In June, my grandfather passed away. While I had never felt especially close to him, he was a fixture at family events with his forthright opinions on politics and religion, and was the patriarch of our large and lively Bay Area family. So needless to say, it shook us all up when he died suddenly of a heart attack. I had scheduled a short vacation that same week, so I had the luxury of spending some extended time with my family. After some of the dust settled, my brother, sister and I went camping for a couple of days in Santa Cruz, and we needed it more than we knew after feeling the pressures of school, work and family. We played in the sand, went hiking in the woods, and just enjoyed the peace of doing nothing. I felt an opportunity to just be, and soak up life with joy and enthusiasm. It was during this trip in Santa Cruz that I was faced with the blunt reality that the life I was living was not the one intended to last me the rest of my adult life. My heart wanted a voice again, and it wanted to move on.
I returned to the Bay Area later that month for my grandpa's memorial service. My mom's whole family is musical, and one of my grandpa's favorite things was corralling the family at Christmas to play and sing carols as an ensemble. So for the service, cousins, sisters and brothers once again assembled to perform my Grandpa's favorite Christmas carol. I had picked up my flute just a handful of times since high school, so I wasn't expecting much. But the joy and energy I felt upon playing again was infectious. So as soon as I returned to Southern California, I began looking for local community orchestras and wind ensembles. I stumbled across the modest but welcoming Fullerton Symphony, decided to audition, and have been playing my flute merrily with them since. While I am sad that my grandpa won't be a presence during the holidays this year, I am so grateful for the chance his passing gave me to fall in love with playing music again. It has always been such a simple part of my life, but a very life-giving part.
Those sweet times with my family this summer opened the flood gates. I wanted to explore those parts of myself that had long been made second priority, and uncover the heart that had been ignored in the business of work and maintaining stability. I wanted my time to dream as an idealistic, uncertain but passionate soul searcher - to be young!
I have to be honest - it's been really hard. The simple questions, "What do I love?" and "What do I want?" have unearthed years of guilt, shame and fear brought on from broken relationships, rejection and feeling like I wasn't enough for others, God or myself. I am still sitting in this place, wondering what God is trying to show me in all of it. But I so strongly believe that this is what God wants for me - to know my heart and to call it good. To know that he loves and supports me. To know that he wants me to dance, to play music, to love what I do rather than finding it a burden, and to trust him with my fears.
I am sad to say that this journey will likely take me away from Southern California, and Epic. But I am excited to say that I feel closer to some kind of "calling" than I ever have. So be patient with me, friends, if I seem disconnected or even flaky. God is healing my heart, and it is taking every fiber of my being to stick with it. But I have hope for a beautiful and life-giving future, and want you to join me in it.
