Deep and Wide

“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Proverbs 20:5

Transition usually begins to occur for me before I’m even aware that it’s happening. God has not provided me with a direct calling for my life in most areas, and much of the practice of discipline in my life has been learning to be patient in waiting. Slowly but surely, new directions in my life bubble to the surface from a deep place in my soul, rather than from external “signs.”

Since graduating from college, the directions of transition in my life have been primarily vertical, occurring within myself rather than in a geographic or career change. I have been frustrated by a lack of clarity about what my faith is supposed to look like, what I’m supposed to be doing with my career, if and when I’m supposed to move, and how to manage my struggle with being completely open and authentic in relationships. When my mind starts to go crazy with all the self-interrogation and doubt, God gently brings me back to a place of stillness, and this is when the truth for my life has time and space to come to the surface.

At this point in my life, two truths ground me and have provided space to grow deeper in my self-knowledge and self-love. The first is my need to communicate through movement and dance. Words have no power to limit me, there is no pressure to conform my dance to look a certain way, and I am safe to offer myself wholly and completely to those in my dance community. I feel connected to my body and am proud of its accomplishments. It is my primary art form and most comfortable means of communication. Sharing this experience with others, inviting them to lose their inhibitions and discover a deeper part of themselves in movement, brings me so much joy and belief that I am accepted.

But what I am realizing is that my art is not the be all and end all. The second truth of my life, which provides the context for my dance, is my need for safe community. I don’t think I even realize how vital the Epic community has been to my personal growth these past three years. Its strength is in offering a warm and gentle environment in which to unearth every part of ourselves - positive and negative - to own and grow in. This is easier for some than others, but the point is that the space is there. People are genuinely interested in learning about you and helping to develop your spiritual, psychological and relational health. Even more telling is the support and understanding I’ve received when the transitions of life have directed me away.

About a year ago, I began to sense that God was going to soon move me in long horizontal directions – to new places and towards new things that, of course, I wouldn’t be able to anticipate or plan for. Many of you now know that I’ve decided to move back to the Bay Area this summer, to be with family and to grow within the thriving creative and therapeutic dance community that is there. It has been such a difficult decision to leave (not because of Orange County itself – I am quite happy to leave it!). So much growth and discovery has happened within the space of my relationships here, at Epic, my work and with other dear friends. I am scared of the unknown of this transition, of failing or feeling like it was a mistake to leave. But I know that I would regret it even more if I didn’t see this through, never opening myself up to new work and new communities. The truth is I don’t have a clear vision for what will happen in my future, short-term or long-term, and that is part of the excitement. I have a fresh canvas on which to paint, with the truth in my heart guiding my strokes.

For me, transition has usually meant losing relationships, but I don’t have this fear with Epic. Relationship may look different, but I know that there will be love here for me, and that gives me the strength to go. My community now has a chance to expand and deepen, and I have hope that with it my self-love will deepen as well. I am so grateful and so honored to have this foundation from which to move forward; the support and safety you’ve offered me has restored my trust in God. I will never stop loving the Epic community, whether I’m in the Bay, across the country, or on the other side of the world.